It was a strange day for me today. It served mostly to illustrate just HOW invisible clinical depression is as an illness. I can be so happy outwardly and inwardly I can be screaming and begging for death but people will see a person who is well dressed, well presented, clearly spoken and above all SMILING.
It is the reason I like to read interviews with comedians who suffer from sever Depressive disorder. It illustrates for me just how cheerful we can appear. How misleading we can be and how knowing this and FRUSTRATED by this we still go on PRETENDING. Because having at least that little bit of control is the one thing that keeps you toppling over the edge and reminding you you are human. It is that hard. It is simple survival.
I will not get into details here but suffice to say that I went a bit too far and left myself in the hands of an armature psychologist and almost, ALMOST ended up allowing myself to be subjected to irreparable damage but I coughs myself at the last moment and RAN SO FAST you could see a trail of fire emitted from my 4 inch heels.
My depression is governed by OCD and when I say GOVERNED what I mean is : like a ruthless and heartless dictator with an iron fist and no mercy.
Funny thing OCD and I do mean FUNNY HAH HAH! Because when it is mostly under control, as it is now ( and trust me it takes ENORMOUS effort and strict management to keep it from flaring), it is a rather amusing yet difficult INSEPARABLE part of ourselves. We love the way we need to talk to the pillow before we rest our head on it so it will be nice to us and not give us neck pain, we like the way our toilet is always clawed and our forks organised in alphabetical order. And then there is the unique way we place furniture and the way our house is filled with delicious food and clatter … Yes the clatter is delicious to. And then there is that way that the characters of the book you just read hang around your house… I had to train Dirk Pitt to stay out of the loo when I do my business but you know… I like it when he tells me I make tea like a woman…
I don’t like the intrusive thoughts so much but when I am healthy I can stop engaging with them but they do slap you in the face and make you hold your breath and sometimes you just have to stop and tell them to fuck off…
And there are little techniques which you pick up from this therapy and that. Some last longer than others. You have to tailor them well.
I need to swim in a Carl Rogers Counselling lake and play with a CBT toolkit. Remember the poisoned parrot? Oh BOY is he here to stay. I never managed to shut up my derogatory inner voice so well since I was introduced to him.
And here is another reason why CBT helps me manage my everyday life.
CBT encourage you to make lists and keep diaries and have those little techniques that involve writing things down I different notebooks. AND I DIG THAT SO HARDCORE.
OCD people love lists, love taking notes and love ORGANISING!
And here are some things that help me breath, move away bleak thoughts that chomp you up so fast you se disorientated and YES! I NEED all these.
1) DIARY- brown leather book. I spill the contents of my head in a stream of consciousness style there. Events and dreams and thoughts about books, poems I love and memories… No order… Just urgency. It has to come out or it ferments until my head explodes.
2) Scribble book. Green notebook with mushroom and gnome. Phone numbers. Memorandums. Notes. Things to remember. Things to buy. Receipt numbers. Things and stuffs that are essential but rather boring and would get lost if I stuck them. I post-it’s, never looked at if I listed them on some fancy app and make a mess of my nicer records if I scribbled them anywhere else. I would throw it away when it is finished but I am OCD and throwing ANYTHING away is hard. There is however a mundane poetry in the way the info is jotted down.
3) Year Diary – red leather bound. Goes with me anywhere I write my thoughts amongst appointments and TO DO lists. I stick pretty picture on the day and make little pictures to calm myself down. Every year I end up with this strange little THOUGHT diary of my day to day mind process as it happens.
3) Brain Storming book. Flowery cloth bound notebook. I do a lot of brainstorming since I stated my love affair with CBT. No matter how small the task. I write it down and let loose all the ideas no matter how crazy. With different coloured pens and flow charts and arrows. A fight with a friend. Deferment of loan payment. Getting on with the hoovering. You name it – it is there. Next to poison parrot this is the bed thing to come out of CBT classes.
5) Midnight Book- spiral gothy notebook. for those thoughts that come at night when you are half asleep, just woke up, must write that dream before it fades. I never let a thought go. Sometimes the best of them crop up at the oddest time and even if they are crap, I hate waking up the next day not remembering what that glorious idea was all about.
6) Self Esteem list. Anime purple spiral bound. Another one for CBT. I sit down at the end of each day and FORCE myself to write down at least two nice things I have done and why and HOW they make me wonderful. For a person who constantly feels like a stand on existence and a waste of space – this is a really simple and highly effective feel good method.
7)LAST BUT NOT LEAST. The bad poetry book. Small purple butterfly notebook. Goes with me everywhere and if you see me scribble in it – it means I was inspired to write yet another horrendously bad modernistic poem. Gods forbid I would ever be found without it.
And some of my pens I use… Because stationary is wonderful and I need is as much as I need porn. A LOT!
Tagged: , flickriosapp:filter=NoFilter , uploaded:by=flickr_mobile